Yeah for now im just gonna work on male physique, and dress girly when I can. Should be a safe middle ground. If I need to go further, i'll do it when the time comes. I just want to stay away from trans circles for now, and get advice from non biased cis people.
On another note, what I did yesterday was very dumb. I am not condoning it, but I did it anyway, and I just want to describe it to the best of my ability since it was rather unique to me. I decided that I wanted to go on a trip to space, so I grabbed a bottle of dextromethorphan (rocket fuel to go to space) and blasted off. I was in webcam chat with this girl ive been chatting up for the past 5 or so months during a lot of the takeoff. So I guess I started at 7pm, and gradual doses till around midnight-1am till the rocket fuel ran out. So im just at my place alone talking to this girl online while going to space, and as time passed it just got weirder and weirder. At around like 3am the webcam was going at like 3 seconds per frame, if it was moving at all, and my hands would like morph into each-other and stuff. She took off for bed around 4am, and I decided to do the same.
So shit was already really goddamn weird, I didn't think I would get much effect off the stuff, and it really wasn't much for the first 9 HOURS! Then it just started going up in levels, like I could feel intensity changes, I think I was stating new plateaus as I felt them in the chat I was in. The girl I was with said she had to leave in a while, then like, 2 seconds to me later she said she had to go. But it wasn't 2 seconds that passed, like 30 minutes passed. Anyway she leaves, and I somehow manage to put my pc into sleep mode, and get my phone and tablet to go down two flights of stairs to get to my bed...mind you carrying 2 things and going anywhere at this state is a challenge.
PC turned off, all light for me is gone, and I just feel a blindness. Then...like...my tablet turned into sludge, I had no vision, and I just went for the ground since my senses were all shot. I recall as I am trying to just leave my room the darkness just obscured everything, and then weird geometric patterns filled the void. So those went away and I was left with green lights moving in directions, and I was following them, up, down, left, right, and through the 4th dimension, and 5th dimension. It got really weird and I got lost, so I verbally said something like "help me" and that got to my ears, and it woke me up and I could see again.
I don't know how I got from my room on the second floor, to my bed in the basement, with my tablet (turned to sludge type material), and my phone when I could barely walk. The stairs were huge and in motion and stuff. After that, im in bed, and then the trip yanks me back in, and it's like im dying/dead, but seeing outside what reality is. It was a sensation of being somewhere else, being outside of the current dimension, being above everything, like being able to see everything or be anywhere. So the easiest way I can describe the trip is that I thought I was doing to be trapped in the madness forever, but I have traversed the 5th dimension to enter infinity. Ohh and my window was appearing and disappearing and the stuff around my sleeping area was all fucked up, but that's just trippy visual stuff that I am now used to. It's the part where you get yanked out of reality and put somewhere else that's the fucked part. Like one moment you are just existing, a bit slow, but there's some situational awareness still there. THEN IT JUST PULLS YOU IN YOU GOT NO CONTROL TIME NO LONGER EXISTS THE SPACE YOU ARE IN IS GONE YOU ARE SOMEWHERE ELSE AND YOU CANT LEAVE. It's when tv or movies try to describe an acid trip, and then it's like...a good approximation of what goes on, only the reality is more intense and severe.
I do not think I have been so scared in my life, and yet, it was an experience unlike any other. Im not into really any spirituality nonsense, but I can understand how people could connect with that in psychedelic trips. Feeling like everything and nothing, being outside of the bounds of reality and stuff, it feels impossible.