<rant>
Jesus Fucking Christ. I can't even express how much this is pissing me off. Every day, all I hear from my mom is bitching and yelling and screaming about my brother and I. We're having financial trouble right now, and neither my brother or I have a job. All I've been hearing for the past couple months is a steady stream of "get a job" lectures and the occasional time where my mom gets really pissed at us after we get to the point where we start talking back. What my mom doesn't seem to understand is that the more she pushes, bitches, screams and yells, the less I WANT to get a job. It sounds counter intuitive on both sides. She bitches more, and I want to get a job even less. She doesn't understand that.
If they were more willing to do stuff that would help, instead of simply bitching, I'd be a bit more receptive to it. But no, I simply get a bitchy lecture that boils down to "get a job". My dad occasionally hands me a newspaper with a job listing I might be interested in, but so far that's about it. The latest one wants me to go deliver my resume in person, but have I heard either of my parents offering to drive me there? Nope. I'm not fucking walking there either.
On top of that, I've gotta call my local college branch to see about getting a credit I need for the college program I want to enter, but now I don't want to call them, because the only stuff I've heard for damn near an hour straight is "call them". My mom somehow thinks that bitching loud and long enough at me is going to make me want to call them. I woke up this morning thinking "ok, I'll call them again". Now I don't really want to call them at all. I'd rather put on my coat, and leave. If it weren't for the fact that about the only place I could go is my GF's place, I would leave and ask to stay at a friend's place for a bit. (I don't really want to stay at my GF's place, because I don't really get along well with her dad).
Right now I'm about ready to feed my fist through a wall (or break it, if I hit a stud), but I'm not going to, because all that'll accomplish is give them yet another reason to bitch and yell.
On top of all that, my mom bitches about us staying up all night, and sleeping in. I'm only doing that because I'm not doing anything during the day. I'm perfectly capable of getting up early and staying up during the day and sleeping at night, but when I'm not going anything, I prefer nights. I'm not jobless because I stay up at night, I stay up at night because I don't have a job. If my parents said "get your resume together, we're taking you to X place to apply at 10 AM tomorrow", I'd be perfectly ready to get up then, and go. But my parents mindlessly saying "You need to quit staying up all night and sleeping all day, you're doing nothing" and bitching about it isn't going to make me get up at normal times, because it's not changing anything. All it's doing is antagonizing me and pissing me off so that I don't want to comply with them because I've had enough of them bitching at me giving mindless orders that don't change things on bit. For some strange reason my mom thinks that somehow making me get up at 8 AM and go to bed at 12 will somehow magically get me a job. I'd get a job just as easily if I brought a resume in at 10 AM, or if I brought it in at 2 or 3 PM. Staying up till 4 AM and sleeping till 1 won't make that much fucking difference.
I mean Fuck. My brother is in a considerably worse position than I am right now. The kid lies at pretty much every opportunity he gets. He gets caught by my parents pretty much every time, but he doesn't seem to get it. On top of that, he's dropped out of highschool, because he's too lazy to go to class, and lies to cover it up. He goes out job hunting when my parents bitch, but I don't think he's really trying much, since he's likely to lie about that, too. At least I have my fucking grade 12, and am planning on going to college for something that I can most likely get a job with. He's dropped out of high school, with no job, and plans to go to the Metalworks Institute for some live music sound stuff. I should mention that It costs about 20 000 for tuition to go to Metalworks, plus, they have no dorms or anything, so he either has to commute to Missisauga (part of Toronto) every day, or has to find a place to live there, and a job. On the other hand, my tuition will be probably something over 10 000 for a 3 year course with 3 co-op terms to help me get into it, plus my dad knows quite a few places he could try to get me into.
I'd say I have a rather better outlook right now than he does. But do I get any better treated? Nope. I get bitched at just as much as my brother does. At least I don't fucking lie every second word that comes out of my mouth. At least I stayed in school and got my grade 12. I'm not going to cost them as much to get an education, and I'm going into a field that is in high demand, and will likely make pretty good money right off the bat. And yet I get no preferential treatment over someone who seems to be slowly spiraling into living at a friend's place and working at McDonalds year after year. I won't be surprised if that's the sort of thing he does for the rest of his life, because he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about education, or what's going to happen in his life.
This whole fucking thing pisses me off so fucking much, I can't even put it into words. If it weren't that I had nowhere else to go at the moment, I'd move out for the night, and stay someplace else.
I'm honestly reaching my limit of how much of this bullshit I can take. I'm getting to the point where I am very close to seriously considering moving out. I need support, not constant bitching and yelling. I know exactly why I'm in the position I am in. My social anxiety makes me not want to get a job because I hate getting into groups of people that I have little to nothing in common with except a job. I can honestly say that as stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid to get a job. because of my social anxiety, I can't stand anything like retail. Despite not being very strong, I'm more willing to do hard physical labor than deal with customers. And my social anxiety makes it hard for me to even go try to get a job, because I hate calling places. I hate automated calling systems, but I hate calling businesses in general. I never know what to say, and I get really nervous on the phone. I'm better in person than I am on the phone.
But despite being able to admit it online, and to myself, I can't admit that to my parents. They probably realize that's what's going on, but they're not exactly understanding of it. They don't seem to have any understanding of what it's like to be faced with something like that, when it bothers you so much. It's not something I simply don't like, for whatever reason. I get much more nervous than most people would, and they don't seem to understand. It's a lot easier to tell someone to face their fears than to be the one facing the fear, but they don't seem to have any sort of idea how hard this shit is for me. And all I get on top of it is yelling and bitching. I wish my parents would be more understanding and supportive. I wish my mom would learn to something more than simply yell at me, because she doesn't seem to understand it's not helping at all.
I seriously can't live with this much longer, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I finally hit my limit....
