PHP is the worst fucking language ever invented.
Seriously. My god, is it awful. Even as late as 5.2 it is obvious that the language wasn't designed, it was merely spawned from the depths of Hell itself. Sure, you could throw a project together in it pretty easily, but if want to hope to have a large project with any semblance of structure and rationality you pretty much have to completely reinvent the wheel with every goddamn thing you do if you want it to actually work. The best analogue I can think of is comparing it to an unstable Jenga tower. Push it the wrong way and the whole thing collapses. The only difference between the two is that with PHP you find yourself scratching your head and wondering what went wrong because the language is so damn abstract.
I just love how it handles scope. Every serious language I've used maintains scope as you move deeper into blocks. Not PHP, oh no. If you make the mistake of using functions, the function has its own scope. You need to specifically specify if you want to use a global inside of a function. That's just bloody stupid.
Oh, let's not forget how you have to cross your fingers every time you do a variable comparison. Even though it's supposed to do everything for the developer, I still can't help but worry that during one of my excursions 0 is going to be greater than 9 because it does something royally stupid like attempt to compare a character to an integer. Or, hell, a character with another character rather than an integer with an integer. I love languages that force you to cast a variable so that it works in a predictable fashion.
And I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't bring up the aft-complained-about "feature" of PHP: the fact that it uses every form of function naming in existence. I suppose that in the effort to not offend developers they figured that combining the camelCase, words_seperated_by_underscores, and clusterfuckfunctionnames into one humongous function list would be the best solution. I'm surprised they don't throw in some good ol' Hungarian notation for shits and giggles. Consistency and sanity are for pussies! Viva PHP!
If I had the choice to use just about anything else I'd do it in a heartbeat. God.
Edit: ACTUAL ERROR OUTPUT FROM PHP:
Parse error: syntax error, unexpected ',', expecting T_PAAMAYIM_NEKUDOTAYIM in /var/www/redacted/i_hate.php on line 60
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? JESUS.